My On-Going Struggle With Postpartum Anxiety

My On-Going Struggle With Postpartum Anxiety

One of the reasons this Blog came to be was because I wanted to share my experiences, and struggles as a new mom. One of my major struggles started the day I found out I was pregnant. Antenatal anxiety started its course and from there it became full-blown postpartum anxiety.

During my pregnancy I was always in my head. Thinking of all the things that could go wrong. Not once did I have any positive thoughts. Having dealt with a miscarriage before, it became my biggest concern. It was hard, and mentally tiring, but it became a routine to always think negatively. I would sleep longer so the days would end sooner, I was obsessing over disturbing thoughts, and don’t even get me started with my mood swings. I once cried because my husband forgot to bring me breakfast. (How dare he?)

When my son was born I thought I could finally let my brain breathe. Now here he was, a beautiful, healthy little boy Masha’Allah (with God’s will) and for the shortest time my head was clear. I was sent home 24 hours after and I was overwhelmed with fear. I was constantly afraid, there were so many what if? questions that were racing through my mind. All of the scenarios going through my mind at this time all ended with the worst possible conclusion.  I was now obsessing to keep him safe, I stopped trusting my family to care for him, and as a result I couldn’t sleep, eat or rest properly.

A few weeks went by and I have now completely isolated myself. My family started to realize that I had a problem and tried to help as much as they could. Anything they tried, failed. I felt as if was the only one who could protect him and care for him and no one else knew how to. (Sounds ridiculous, doesn’t it)?

There were so many times I would lay in bed and just think about all the things that could harm him. I remember when Zay was 7-months-old and I was getting ready to go out for my birthday, I was holding him while walking down a flight of stairs, in heels. I didn’t think of it as a problem then, but as soon as I hit the bed that night, all I could think about was what if I had fallen? I stayed up for at least 2 to 3 hours just thinking of all the things that could’ve happened to my son if I had fallen. Never again did I walk down a flight of stairs in heels again.

I had to seek medical help a few months in because my anxiety was just getting in the way of everything. I couldn’t sleep because of the racing thoughts, I couldn’t drive because I would imagine getting into an accident, I couldn’t shower because I constantly heard him crying when he wasn’t. I couldn’t leave him for even a minute afraid that he would stop breathing. I was exhausted. I knew something was wrong and I knew this “something” wasn’t depression, depression was the complete opposite of how I felt. I just knew that I needed to get help, not just from my friends and family but from a medical professional.

After getting medical help I was taught some techniques to help me relax. Most of the techniques had to do with sharing my experience with other moms, meditation, and or exercise. My doctor suggested I start leaving my son with trusted family members for an hour a day. And so, I began spending an hour at the gym, leaving my baby home with my parents. The first few days were tough, i was anxious to get home to see if Zay was okay, and he was. And so, I continued going to the gym everyday. And everyday, I came home to a perfectly healthy, happy boy. Within two months I was healthier, mentally. All those obsessing thoughts diminished drastically.

Zay is now a year and 5-months-old and I won’t say that the anxiety is 100% gone, but I am proud of how much of it I have overcome. I still can’t leave him with my parents or other family members overnight, (even though my mom lives 2 blocks away from me) but they can now spend as much time as they want with him during the day. I still bombard them with text messages or calls every hour on the dot to ask how he’s doing and they hate that lol, but I can’t help myself.

My anxiety got to the point where it left reality behind. And for the longest time I thought it would go away on its own, but it just kept getting worse until I spoke to someone about it. I didn’t think anything or anyone would be able to help, which is why I didn’t reach out sooner, but there are medical professionals out there that know what they’re doing and they can help.

To read and learn more about postpartum anxiety, just click here.


DIY Baby Boy Nursery

DIY Baby Boy Nursery

Let me just start off by saying that I am never, ever painting again. The level of commitment and patience required was just too much for me. Thankfully, I had help painting the room.

I knew from the very start that I wanted a light, sky blue colour for my sons room. The house I moved into had rooms that were painted dark purple (Seriously?). We started off painting the walls, then I went on to paint the chest, and crib. I decided to paint my nephews old furniture as it was in good condition (what was I thinking?). Painting the panels on the crib, front and back had to be the hardest part. I wanted to quit. It was torture. Having OCD didn’t help either because everything needed to be painted, perfectly. But, I do have to admit, as hard as it was, I was really proud of how it all came together in the end.

27744495_1875920372438196_1265615464_oChanging Station:  | Shermag Lancaster & Serta Changing Pad | Wipe Warmer: Munchkin. | Diaper Pail: Playtex Diaper Genie Elite | Laundry Basket: Evita

In order to achieve this sky-blue colour I had to prime the walls with a white primer, I used Behr Premium Plus Primer & Sealer. This helped get rid of the dark purple paint. Once the entire room was primed I then used Behr Premium Plus Ultra with Satin Enamel finish in the colour Peaceful Blue S470-3. It was exactly the colour I wanted.

It was never my intention to paint the furniture. But now that the room was painted, the cherry wood furniture looked absolutely horrendous with the colour of the walls, and so I started with sanding the furniture down to remove any bumps or dust. I then primed and painted the chest and crib with a white oil-based paint with semigloss finish. I used the wall colour for the knobs on the chest to add some uniqueness.

Crib: Delta 3-in-1 | Mattress: Safety 1st Heavenly Dreams  | Bedding: Disney 3-Piece Bedding | Musical Mobile: Disney Musical Mobile  | Pillow: Baby Works Baby’s 1st

Painting the crib was extremely time consuming. I think it took me about 4 days in total from priming to painting and then putting it together. Not to mention I was working around the schedule of my 4-month-old baby. I couldn’t have the nursery ready for when my son was born because we were in the process of moving.

White Book Ledge: Ikea – Ribba Picture Ledge

This is my absolute favorite part of his room. His library. I started buying books 6 months into my pregnancy because I just knew I wanted him to have a library. At this point in time I’m reading to him every night but soon enough he will be reading on his own. I got him these First Little Readers Pack A, B & C.

Play Mat: ProSource Kids Puzzle Alphabet & Numbers Mat  | Vehicle Storage Organizers: Clever Creations Storage Organizers | Wooden Dog: Rock & Ride Wooden Dog

The last thing I had to do was paint the wooden louvered closet doors the same colour as the furniture. This entire task felt like it was never going to end. I had to remove every slat, paint it front and back and then reinstall it. To add some more colour to the room I found a superheros poster at Walmart. I was just going to mount it to the wall but then I thought of cutting it into squared pieces to attach to the closet door, with the help of translucent push pins. Once complete, everything turned out flawless.

Fully completing the nursery took me around 3 months. My son was 7 months before he got to use his room. But he loves it. My OCD kicks in when he destroys his room but I guess its okay.

Zayans Birth Story

Zayans Birth Story

Readers discretion is advised. Lol.

All jokes aside, my labour and delivery was not what I expected. I obviously didn’t think it would be all sunshine and rainbows but I also didn’t think it would be as traumatizing as it was.

Let’s get to it shall we. During the last month of my pregnancy the palms of my hands and soles of my feet were achingly itchy. But I didn’t think much of it and didn’t mention it to my doctor.

After sleepless nights, and all the discomfort I figured this isn’t normal. I needed to tell my doctor. Right away she ordered some blood work and it was confirmed that I had this condition called Cholestasis. A liver disorder that happens only in late pregnancy. Thanks hormones. With this condition there’s a risk of stillbirth and it wasn’t a risk I was willing to take. So at 38 weeks as soon as I was considered full term I decided to get induced.

Just a suggestion : I strongly urge pregnant women to just communicate with their doctors. Even if you’re experiencing the mildest discomfort. Just say it. When it’s about you or your baby, there is no holding back. There shouldn’t be.

Moving along. At 38 + 4 weeks on August 24th, I was scheduled to be induced and of course my doctor was on vacay. The on-call doctor was sure I was going to deliver the same day. That, did not happen.

WEDNESDAY 10:00 AM: I was administered the Prostaglandins gel to start induction. An hour later I was sent home and asked to come back at 7pm that same day. When I returned to the hospital there was no change in my condition and therefore was administered a second round of gel and then sent home again. (Honestly, I hated being sent home. As a first time mom I would’ve felt safer just staying at the hospital. I was stressing about my baby, how this was all going to unfold, and the fact that I didn’t know who was going to help deliver my baby).

WEDNESDAY 11:30 PM: I started to feel such intense pain and by 5:30 am Thursday morning the pain got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore. I was timing my contractions and they were just shy a minute so I knew I wasn’t contracting. But if I wasn’t contracting what in the world was this pain? Gel pains, that’s what it was. 1cm dilated I was sent home with some Tylenol 3 to help me sleep. I was sent home again and told to wait for them to call me in.

THURSDAY 2:00 PM: At this point I am still 1cm dilated. My doctor (Still no idea who) decides to use the Foley Bulb method for induction. By the way, the Tylenol wore off and I was dying. I had to wait until I was 4cm dilated to get the epidural but baby Zay just didn’t want to budge. At least one of us was comfortable *rolls eyes*. I was contracting every 2-3 minutes but they just wouldn’t last the 60 seconds.

THURSDAY 7:00 PM: I am about 3 cm at this point so my nurse suggests I try walking to help induce labour. So I did a few laps. I was having so much trouble standing through my contractions that I couldn’t walk much. After about an hour the Foley Bulb fell out and that meant I was finally 4 cm dilated! It was time for the epidural. Or so I thought.

THURSDAY 10:30 PM: It took 3.5 hours for someone to come and give me the epidural. It took 20 minutes for the epidural to work and it was such a relief. But it didn’t last long. At about 2:00 am I was having spotty pain relief. My catheter drifted and needed to be reinserted but I didn’t know that at the time.

FRIDAY 3:30 AM: So here I was feeling everything on my left side but nothing on my right. When I told my nurse she just gave me more medication because she thought it was just wearing off. So now my right side is even more numb and on my left side I feel this gush. I buzz my nurse and tell her, ” I think my water broke” and she says, ” It’s probably just your mucus plug”. Okay, she’s the expert. She would know better.

FRIDAY 4:00 AM: I buzzed the nurse again and told her that there was something wrong with the epidural. She comes in and when she lifts to check the catheter she notices that indeed, my water did break. And so she pages the doctor (whom I haven’t seen this entire time btw) to come and check to see how far dilated I am. The nurse then turns to my mom and husband and says ” You guys should go home, the baby isn’t going to come until tomorrow afternoon, or maybe in the evening”. My husband stayed but my mom went home.

FRIDAY 4:40 PM: As soon as my mom left, I felt so much pressure, I told the nurse that I need to push. She looks at me like I was lying or something and that’s when the resident doctor walks in. She’s just about to check to see if I’ve dilated and she stops; her eyes are wide open and she looks at the nurse and tells her to page the doctor right away. A second later she says prep for labour, the baby is crowning. My husband knew how important it was for me to have my mom there so he called her and told her to make her way back ASAP.

The labour room is all prepared for the delivery now, but there was still no sign of the doctor anywhere. I couldn’t control it anymore and I just had to push. My epidural wasn’t working so I’m feeling every sensation. The resident doctor and nurse decide to start the delivery process without the doctor. And as soon as I’m about to push, my mom walks in.

I’m exhausted, I haven’t slept, and I haven’t eaten in days and I had no energy to push. My body was giving up on me and then the nurse says “the baby’s heart rate is dropping, bring in the vacuum for extraction”. As soon as I heard that, I have no idea what happened to me but it was a rush of adrenaline. I told them the vacuum was not happening. And so I tried one last time.

FRIDAY AUGUST 26th, 5:07 AM my baby boy, Zayan Ahmed was born. 6 pounds and 10 ounces of pure bliss. I remember my thoughts of that moment so vividly. I was overwhelmed with happiness, he was perfect. My entire pregnancy I wondered how that moment would be and all I can say is, it was not what I expected. It was a million times better.





Isn’t he just gorgeous!




Now let me talk about my experience and how it would have been better if I had pleasant people around. I was stuck with nurses that were so uptight. They were rude, they wouldn’t listen to me, one was actually too busy on Facebook to answer my call. It was really disturbing. I had no doctor. A nurse and resident doctor delivered my baby. That to me, is a big no no.

I had a second degree tear and the resident doctor stitched it up. That’s 32 stitches which, ahem, were NOT done right. They were supposed to dissolve if properly stitched but, they didn’t. I had to go back 6 weeks after to get re-stitched. Everything they did in regards to me was careless and could’ve been prevented. To say the least I was scarred. I think I still am lol. But was it worth it?

Yes, it was.

My Fertility Journey

My Fertility Journey

Lets throw this way back to 2012. In September of that year i had a miscarriage and required a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) which is basically surgically removing the contents of the uterus. Anyways, it was extremely painful and I never wanted to go through that again so I decided to lay off having children. I went to college and studied to be a Paralegal. I graduated, I landed a job, started working and kept myself extra busy with friends and family.


Something was missing.

In the beginning of 2015 my husband and I decided we should try to conceive. It was time to have a baby! I thought this process would be so easy and that I would get pregnant right away, boy was I wrong. I stopped taking contraceptive pills, I started tracking my fertile days using the Period Tracker Pro and still, nothing.  A few months went by and at this point I was starting to lose hope. So i went to my doctor and he sent me to a fertility clinic in Burlington called One Fertility.

In November of 2015 I was told that I may have something called unexplained infertility and it could’ve been caused because of the miscarriage I had back in 2012.  I was advised of two options. First was IUI – Intrauterine Insemination, which is where they would track my ovulation, track the maturity of my ovum (egg) and then use a catheter to insert the sperm into the uterus in hopes that the sperm finds the egg. And if that didn’t work, there was IVF – In Vitro Fertilization, which is where they combine the egg and sperm outside the body and once it’s an embryo it is transferred into the uterus. My husband and I decided to try the IUI and go from there.

The first of many processes was taking a prescription called Letrozol (Femara 5mg) I would have to wait for my menstrual cycle and on the 3rd day I would take the first of 5 pills and continue the pills until day 7 of my cycle. Once the pills are complete, the second process would start on day 10 of my cycle. Ultrasounds and blood tests were administered every other day to pin point when ovulation would occur. On day 13 three of my eggs were mature enough and ready for ovulation. That is when I was given a FSH shot also known as the trigger shot. This shot would complete the maturation process of the eggs and ovulation would occur within 24 to 48  hours. On to the next process which is the IUI itself. On day 14 of my cycle I went to the clinic and was out and about within an hour. That’s how fast and painless the procedure was.

The absolute worst part was the waiting game. Now I had to wait 2 weeks to find out if the IUI worked. I tried to keep myself busy but the only thing on my mind was if it worked or not. The earliest you can test for pregnancy is 6 days past ovulation but that wasn’t the case for me, I couldn’t test until the trigger shot left my system, and that could take anywhere from 9 to 11 days. 8 days past ovulation I did a pregnancy test and got a negative result. That meant the FSH had left my system. 10 days past ovulation I did another test and there it was,


I couldn’t believe it. I remember reading so many blogs and watching so many YouTube videos about women who have had this procedure done and were mostly unsuccessful on their 1st, 2nd and sometimes 3rd tries. I thought there is no way in hell this would work for me. Also, my doctor did mention how it would take at least 3 tries before your body gets used to the process. The last thing I expected was a positive pregnancy test so i took another one. Another positive. I was pregnant. I was pregnant.

I couldn’t wait to get my blood work done to get my HCG levels so that I could be 100% positive that I was pregnant. I remember I told my closest friend and that to I remember telling her not to get her hopes up, just yet. I didn’t tell my family until I went in for my 2nd blood test to confirm that my HCG levels were rising. And they were.

At first I wasn’t sure I wanted to write about the struggle with my infertility. It was something very personal to me. But there are so many women in this world who struggle with infertility and are scared to speak about it. I felt that my story could help other women who are struggling with the same issues. This entire process was an experience I will never forget.

Stay tuned for more!